The hardest post I've ever had to Write

 I have never spoken about my Dad in any get togethers or any of my social account. 

I don't even talked about him with my friends or my family,because talking about him feels worse than dying on being stabbed with the sharpest knife a one thousand ninety nine times into infinity.

But I'll do that today don't know why... 

I'll take the one thousand and ninety nine stabs into infinity today... 

I always have and always shall believe any good I've ever done and every good I'll ever do is all because of the kind of person my FATHER. 

He was such a beautiful soul it wets my eyes to even think about the kinds of down he had to face

He was brilliant and flawless in all he did.He clearly defined perfectionism for all of us. 

The perfect son he was,the perfect brother,the perfect husband,the perfect son in law,the perfect brother in law, the perfect father in law,the perfect uncle and hands down The Best Father on planet.

People tell me that it's my mother who's raised me, which may not entirely correct.. I love her too but everyone knows thats there is no girl on the who love someone else instead of her Father not even her mother.. 

I loved the words of Syed Iqrar-ul-Hassan..  That are, “Mujhy Meri Maa Ny zakhmi hathon Se Tameer kiya"

Same is the case of mine and I accepted this saying. 

If he hadn't instilled the kind of morals,characters and ethics in me that he did, I wouldn't be any of what I am today. 

Maa definitely polish all my qualities ( the good one's)  and help to maintain my sanity and poise if you may.

What's often amazes is how he kept teaching me to do good, stand for the right and keep a strong character. I always live like a boy's life but in his life.

He always told me that when you(I) were a few month baby and I was at the edges of the death bridge. I was so so serious, at that time I only prayed to Allah that's give me some time for my youngest kid because she haven't felt a feeling of Father, she haven't seen the love of a father,she haven't take a warm hugs of Father.. I need more breaths to love her more than a lot. And He(Allah) give me another life only to love you.. And this made me special from my siblings.

When any of my Sis or bro fights me he always give peacefull and cold breath and just says to them...  You are doing this in front of me what will you do after my death.. These words of his Shakens my soul., that why he always talks about his death.

Am his that child who whenever wished at late nights,that I want to eat this and that right now..., he always fulfil in few minutes that my butterfly and my sparrow's want to eat that's why I found it,, then; when and from where don't matters. 

He always argues to my GrandDad that my daughter is prettiest Than urs.. Nana baba Always questioned to me that is he right..?  But you her daughter she is not your daughter then how can you prettier than your mom... 

These few memories are drop in an ocean of the time spent with him...

He wants to alive only for me, for our desires....But he left in the world of cruelty the world for haters... On 01-January-2014..

This pain can ever be over.

You know what it's an everyday struggle..

I won't be exaggerating if I say I still miss him in every moment of the day.. I miss his arm beneath my head when I came back to home. 

Lot of struggles presist after him.. 

If I am quite it's not because I am plotting against the someone or cursing someone at heart, but because I am fighting an inner war. If I remain out of contact,its because I am fighting these monsters my life has created for me. Every time my sincerity or feelings or tears are questioned (like on his funeral)

I couldn't cry,because I didn't want to upset my mom and my siblings,when his last few minutes were in the home I was just looking at him and questioning in my heart that how will they live I can't see them to cry, my heart was going to Brust out...

I want to end it because it's sooo painful to write anything where his name comes.. I hope someday I find the strength in me to 

Write more about him. 

I am fine but not healed....